How I Spent 15 Years At War With My Body — And Finally Found Peace

Trigger Warning: This post contains descriptions of body shaming, disordered eating, and weight-related trauma. Please read with care and prioritise your wellbeing.

The first time I remember feeling self-conscious about my body, I was just five years old.

It was the middle of summer at my grandparents’ house. My cousins and I were running around in the heat, carefree and laughing—until one moment changed everything. I sat down to rest, and my cousin pointed at my belly with disgust.

“Eww! Look at your fat tummy!” he yelled.

I looked down and saw my tummy rolls. Then I looked at my other cousin, who was sitting beside me—her tummy didn’t have rolls like mine. From that moment, a small seed was planted in my mind.

"Tummy rolls are bad" I thought to myself.

​When “Skinny” Became the Dream

By the age of eight, I had already internalised the message—fat is bad, skinny is good. I wrote in my diary, “When I grow up, I want to be skinny.” still remembering that day my cousin laughed at my tummy rolls, convinced they meant that I wasn't good enough. Around that time, I was also getting bullied at school—called fat, ugly, and all the cruel names kids can come up with. Even though I changed schools in mid-primary, beliefs of self-doubt had already taken root, and the cruel words those kids said to me had become part of my own narrative.

The Start of Dieting and Disconnection

At around eleven years old, I began my first attempt to lose weight by eating less. I had heard adults talk about how eating less caused weight loss, so I started skipping lunch at school, hoping it would make my tummy rolls go away. But by the time I got home, I’d be starving—I would raid the pantry, eating everything I could find. I was trapped in a restrict-binge cycle, and it was a long time before I was able to understand this cycle and how to break free from it.

High School: When the Praise Began

In high school, I became even more committed to losing weight. I ate as little as possible and exercised as much as I could. I scoured the internet for weight loss tips and spent hours on my mum’s treadmill after school. I lost weight quickly—and people noticed. Compliments poured in from friends and even their parents. Suddenly, I felt seen. Praised. Validated. That’s when I decided: being small was the best thing I could be. What followed were years of restrictive eating, followed by bingeing when I would finally lose control, and then more restriction to “make up” for my "failure". It became a punishing cycle that I felt like I couldn’t escape.

The Cost of Chasing Thinness

By my mid-twenties, I had tried more fad diets than I could count. I’d battled multiple eating disorders, and somewhere along the way, I lost myself entirely in the pursuit of thinness. For 15 years, my life revolved around food and weight loss. My obsession with weight loss didn’t just ruin my relationship with food and my body—it stole my precious time and memories.

Discovering Intuitive Eating — and Reclaiming My Life

Everything changed when I discovered intuitive eating at the age of twenty-four. That moment marked the beginning of something powerful: It opened my mind in a way that allowed me to break free from diet culture and heal my relationship with food and my body. For the first time in my life, I began to trust myself. I started listening to my body’s cues instead of ignoring them. I let go of the food rules and weight-loss goals that had controlled my every thought for so long. And with every step, I started uncovering the person I had been all along—underneath the fear, the shame, and the obsession. I was finally able to get to know who I was without weight loss.

From Survival to Empowerment

Looking back, I grieve the years I lost to diet culture. But I’m also proud—because I made it out. I broke free. The journey hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it. I’m no longer chasing someone else’s idea of how I “should” look. I’m building a life rooted in connection, self-trust, and nourishment—not restriction. This is the freedom that comes with discovering intuitive eating, breaking free from diet culture, and healing your relationship with food and your body. And it’s available to you, too!